It's Been A While...... Sorry Bout That!

I know that it's been a while since my last post in November, sorry about that. The holidays were pretty hard on our family. Seemed like they were never ending. Thanksgiving, Xmas and then Caitlyn's birthday in January.... she would have been 21. It's been hard to watch my family unravel right before my eyes, but slowly, we are trying to piece it all together the best that we can. I've learned a few things so far. One thing is that time does NOT heal - thats bullshit. You don't heal over the loss of a child, thats a hole in your heart that will NEVER heal. You simply learn how to live with it. There will always be days that your brain will replay a horror show in your head over and over; there will always be times when you catch a scent or see something and it knocks the wind right out of you unexpectedly; there will always be time when it dawns on you that you HAVEN'T heard anyone mention your child's name in a while and the thought of them being forgotten just brings you right to your knees (thats the worst). You see, people won't bring up your child when they talk to you - because they don't want to make you sad, but the truth is, not mentioning them is even worse. Trust me on this, we haven't forgotten about our kids, and you mentioning them isn't anything that we don't do in our own heads a thousand times per day anyway. What it DOES do is let us know that we aren't the only ones in the world holding onto their memory - thats our biggest fear, thats the thing that hurts almost as much as their absence. I feel like that a lot. I worry that when I'm gone, the memory of Caitlyn will go with me - because Im what's keeping it alive in this world - and that kills me.

I don't want it to be a completely depressing post, but the reality is - it hasn't been pretty. In the past months my sixteen year old had a nervous breakdown. She is really struggling with the loss of her sister. You see, the last interaction that they had was an argument (typical sister stuff, they fought over shoes if you can believe it)... but this time, they didn't get the opportunity to make up after. I can think of so may times that that could have been my own story. The thought really breaks my heart for her. She ended up spending a few days in the hospital. And yes, she is in therapy and seeing a doctor - everyone in my family is in therapy and has been, but even that isn't a magic and immediate fix.

We need something happy. Im not sure what. But I think we need a distraction of some sort. Even a temporary one. Spring Break is coming up, maybe we can go somewhere or do something. I dunno. I am positive that the hubby could use it too. He has thrown himself neck-deep into work. He works 12 hour workdays plus a 45 minute commute each way... I worry about him. Hell, I worry about everyone - it's what I do - constantly. Is it any wonder that Prozac is my bff?

People have been really kind to us through all of this. It's true that you really see the true colors in people when something like this happens. You find out that the ones you thought you could count on the most, disappear - and the ones you didn't expect, are the very ones who are the most amazing. We have had several quilts made for us, lots of beautiful cards (which I have made a wallhanging out of thats truly pretty).... and on the 5 month anniversary of the accident, I came home from doing Mom stuff (buying groceries and paying bills), to find a beautiful bunch of flowers on my doorstep from our Florida Highway Patrol hero, Trooper Gee. It was the sweetest thing. There truly is goodness left in this world - even in the darkest of times. This I know.