I have gone to a few support groups for parents who have lost children, but Im not sure if I felt at home there. Mostly they were people who lost infants or grown children with families - I seemed to be the only one who lost a young adult. I told my husband that it was weird to feel so alone in a crowded room, but thats the case. In one support group attempt a lady actually said to me “you are less than a month out? I couldn’t even get out of bed at that time!” - Im not sure she meant it to shame me, but thats how I took it. I don’t have the luxury of hiding away, though thats what I would love to do. I have a 15 and 13 year old in the home that need me. I don’t know if thats a blessing or a curse. A blessing because it has forced me up - forced me to keep going when I didnt want to. But a curse in that it feels as if I am having to grieve in fast forward.
I definitely have the guilt. I cant help but feel like a failure as a mother, when our number one job is to protect them. Rational or not - its there and I cant help it. If I mention anything like that to other people, I get scolded and told that I shouldnt feel that way - as if I can stop or help it. I can no more help those feelings as I can help seeing the accident scene over and over in my mind. Its happening.
Im working on a quilt right now. Yes, just saying that surprises me more than you know. The state trooper that came and notified us of the accident is a young man - in his twenties for sure. He is a brand new father to a little girl. Him coming to my home alone and having to give me this news really hurt him, he actually cried after he told me. His humanity and kindness really meant more to me than I can ever explain. My husband and I went to see him again last week, and he still looked a bit stricken when he saw me. You could tell that this was a very hard part of his job and it hit him very close to home. The fact that it bothered him so much really touched me. I also think that it spoke to the mother in me - the part that hates to see anyone in pain. I asked him could I make his baby girl a quilt… and so thats what I am working on. I think it surprised myself when I asked to be honest. I haven’t sewn at all since the accident. I have Caitlyn’s clothes and I would really love to make some quilts with them - but I haven’t. Nothing that I have thought about has interested me or have I felt up to doing…. until this. I feel like Caitlyn would be happy and would like the idea. I have her picture right beside my machine and I feel like she is helping me with it, if that makes any sense at all.
I am not a religious or spiritual person — but for the first time in my life I understand why people are, especially in times like this. I understand that need - I wish that it worked for me, but it just doesn’t. I think Im jealous of those parents that it does work for. It must be comforting. All of this plays into the huge amount of anger that I have. I have pure seething anger and hatred inside me and nowhere to really direct it. Nowhere thats healthy anyway - but I won't lie and say that I don't go skipping down the unhealthy road quite often. Its not fair, its just not fair.
My daughter sits in a ceramic urn on top of a piece of stereo equipment in front of a quilt that my guild made for me…. Its crazy to say that. Its wrong in so many ways. And even though that I have her ashes, I am still drawn to the accident scene like a moth to a flame. I go there all the time. I go there and look at the ground at the place where she stopped being her, and I just sob. It hurts so much. Its so hard to breathe. I just want to rewind time. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat if I could. I would give anything - make any deal, do any task, if only I could make it happen. But I cant. Im helpless and I hate it.
Im trying to put on a brave face for the world, but you there is a hollowness inside that I cant even describe. Any semblance of a smile is for show only because my heart is in a million pieces. Im not strong or brave and I hate it when people tell me that, but I know that they mean well, so I accept it. They don’t know what to say - and a lot of time I don’t know what to say to them either. All I want to talk about is the unjustness of the universe and how much I hurt and how angry I am... but I don’t dare say those things every time that I open my mouth - even though I want to.
My circle has gotten smaller. I guess that I knew it would happen. I can honestly say that the ones that are in this small circle are quality though. The people that I choose to surround myself with now have the best hearts and are a real gift to my life, and I appreciate them. I probably don't show it or tell them in ways that really express it - but I hope that they know somehow.
My family is going out of town for a few days this week for Halloween. Its something that we planned before the world stopped spinning. I think that a change in scenery will do us all good. I know that the girls need it. I feel like Im not being a good mother to them these days and I hate that. I wish that I had the strength to be everything that I need to be. I don't even know how. I feel like Im living on auto-pilot most days.
One foot in front of the other....
Leandra
Oh Leandra, you are so brave....one foot in front of the other.....you wake up every day , that in itself is heroic.....I wish there was a magic button to get you through this mess.
ReplyDeleteMe too. I asked the doctor for a magic pill that would help me breathe without hurting... never cry in front of your doctor - he starts writing scripts that will turn you into a zombie for REAL
DeleteOne day at a time, one foot in front of the other. One breathe, one thought. I am not religious by any means, but I believe spiritually and I believe she is there with you every moment of every day. If you need to talk let me know. I assume you have that small group you can lean on, but know you are not alone in this world of lost. Take care friend aka vislis
ReplyDeleteThank you, my friend. I am gifted to have you in my small circle <3
DeleteSending you lots of love and hugs
ReplyDeleteLove you too Lisa <3
DeleteOh Leandra, I'm sorry to say I came to find you via Kristy's quilt on Instagram and didn't know you before you lost Caitlyn.
ReplyDeleteI have no pearls of wisdom to offer you. Nothing that can help to take the terrible pain away. Nothing that can take you out of this nightmare that you have found yourself in other than I understand so much of what you're going through, although for me it was losing my Mum to brain cancer that led to me feeling some of what you are, although losing a child in such a sudden and terrible way is on a whole different level.
It's good to see you finding some comfort in sewing that beautiful quilt. Sewing helped me through some very dark times when I wanted to scream and shout and felt such all consuming anger at the unfairness of what my beloved Mum had to endure. When friends moaned about their mothers I wanted to tell them to be bloody grateful they still had one but I didn't, it was one more thing to keep balled up inside of me.
It's so incredibly hard to try to carry on when your world has fallen apart and the well meaning words of those around you can so often make you feel even worse. I found that so many people have not the slightest clue how to deal with someone who is grieving and I soon found out who my friends were as those who couldn't cope just ignored the situation and me, no doubt hoping it would go away.
You are doing all you can do. Nothing could ever have prepared you for this. You are bound to question yourself and beat yourself up about what you feel you could or should have done. You are bound to feel guilty about not being 100% there for your girls, it's natural. It really is a matter of one small step at a time, taking each moment as it comes and doing whatever it is that gives you some comfort.
Sending you the biggest hug across the miles xxx
Thank you so much for your kindness and heartfelt words, they mean a lot to me. So much of what you said truly resonates with me, thank you for understanding and for taking the time to reach out. I really appreciate that. I truly feel like I am on auto-pilot and just making tiny baby steps at a time. I try SO hard for the girls to be involved in what they love and are enthusiastic about. Of course that means ZOMBIES ;-) So I continue to watch our favorite zombie show every week and I admit that I get sucked into the excitement right along with them... but then for some reason I will feel guilty as soon as I realize that I had gone an hour without being sad. Its like I look for reasons to torture myself and Im not sure why I do it. Just trying to keep going, and with supportive people like you in my life it certainly makes a difference. Thank you so much - Leandra
DeleteIt's all normal Leandra, the guilt and the anger and the feeling completely and utterly torn apart. The glimmers of normality, lightness and happiness and then feeling as if that's no longer allowed and then right back to the guilt and the anger. You will find your own way and like you say it's baby steps and keep breathing because nothing prepares us for this barrage of emotions. I hope the break away from home is healing for you all, much love xxx
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